Almost all of the information I share is either in the form of a rule “What to do in a situation” or a guideline “One way to create this outcome is…”.  In my daily life I will hear my pet peeve gnashing it’s teeth once in a while over a quasi-negotiating “position”.  So before I continue with my inspired information on this topic, I’ll simply iterate the rule “Whenever a Negotiating Complement (anyone you deal with in any communication event) takes a “victim” position, there is only one response and that is to annihilate THAT position by any means you have available.”  Just having a rule like that probably makes the Politically Correct crowd scream and pull their hair out, delete my website from their favorites list, etc.  It is not a smooth, kind thing to write and perhaps a few of you might want to understand the dynamics a little more before you rage at The Negotiator!

First my rule does not mean I don’t believe their are victims.  I do.  I believe that all true victims are dead.  I believe that there are also victims of the moment or a situation.  For example, a man enters into an intersection at the green light and some drunken crazy runs the perpendicular red light smashing into the man’s side, breaking his arm in 4 places.  The man who had the green light WAS a victim in this context of the man who ran the red light and did serious bodily injury.  In situations like that seldom does the drunken man get back in his car, rev up the engines, take another swig and run the red light AGAIN hitting the same man in a similar fashion breaking even more bones.  If the man with the broken arm is able to receive treatment in time to save his life then in the moment help arrives to make that future a reality he is no longer a victim but a survivor.  He survived that wreck.  The car doesn’t keep hitting him or rebreaking his arm.  I do not debate that there may be emotional and other mental harm done to the survivor, however he still has the opportunity to recover and survive the accident.

People who don’t survive car wrecks are victims.  In most instances being a dead victim doesn’t hold much weight in the negotiations of the living.

The essence of a Negotiation is the transaction of resources.  The obstacle that a “victim” position creates is two fold.  First, one of the most sacred Negotiator’s rules is “Never play someone elses game” – a victim position is always designed to get you to play the victim’s game exclusively. 2nd, the “victim” position is a one way street so it’s very nature annihilates the transaction of resources and makes the transference of resources one sided – that my friends is NOT a good negotiation.  As self-righteous as it may sound, annihilating a victim position actually does the victim a favour.  If you succeed in collapsing the victim position and the person still has breath to take ANY OTHER POSITION whatever that position will be will automatically be more resourceful than being a faux victim – unless they die.

The most powerful tool in The Negotiator’s Toolbox is asking resourceful questions.  One aspect of asking resourceful questions is often referred to as challenging the information.  This is the form of a question which intends to tear down or at least closely examine any position presented by the Negotiating Complement.  In the instance of a victim it is purely to tear down their position and perhaps offer them ANY OTHER position to take for the sake of allowing the Negotiation to be a Transaction and not some one-sided pity party.  The essence of a great negotiation is communicating and closing on accountability.  Think of this when you shape your questions for a victim position.

How much longer will the conditions exist to make you a victim?  Can you hang on to being this kind of victim and recover from whatever got you here at the same time?  Have you ever considered the benefits of moving on, getting on with your life?  If I can show you how you actually loose more and gain less by maintaining your victim stance would you consider an alternative?  Are there people who’ve had it worse than you that made remarkable lives for themselves?  Do you still think they are victims?  Do you know the difference between a victim and a survivor?

The list of creative challenge the information type questions on de-framing a victim position are endless.

Next time you are in ear-shot of someone expressing victim-speak listen to them closely and ask yourlself the following questions:

1) What resource do they gain by maintaining The Victim Stance?

2) What is the typical response to their “victim” stance?

3) How often do their negotiating complements move away from them?

4) Is there a position more suited for their outcomes other than victim?

So remember – you are almost always only a victim very briefly and after that you are either surviving the context that once made you a victim or you are dead.

If you wish to ask me a question or two about this post or any other just write me at justask@yourownbestgood.com.

the Negotiator

I’ve been away from the daily discipline of blogging but never has a day gone by that I wasn’t taking Negotiating to the edge and beyond.  As a 4th of July gift to you all I will return to a most basic concept and break it down with some interesting nuances.

Recently I was asked to Negotiate for a client that was in a unique position to help someone she has “other” business dealings with.  Their business dealings has my client indebted to the other party, so my client asked me to fashion a negotiation that would allow her “help” to translate into the resolution of the debt.  The challenge with a request like this is that we each have our own belief about what is really resourceful for another and what is not.  If you are an avid reader of my blog then I’m sure you know what I’m going to say next.

First, calibrate your belief about the other party.  You believe they really need something you have.  Don’t take your own belief as the be-all and end-all analysis, ASK RESOURCEFUL QUESTIONS INSTEAD.

So I agreed to enter into this negotiation on my client’s behalf.  Of course the other party had no idea I was negotiating because all I did was call and ask resourceful questions. Interestingly enough I mentioned the very helpful resource over and over again in my conversation without “framing” it (I didn’t explain my client’s intentions for the resource) and the other party just didn’t bite.  They didn’t seem interested, didn’t respond positively, etc.

No Problem! One of the most important rules of a Negotiation is Never Rush a Negotiation. A negotiation is not unlike a garden. Even though my client and I see the potential for Negotiated Transaction until the other party can see it, the vision is nearly useless.  So, plant a seed.

The trick to planting a seed is giving it the time to grow.  The resource you need to make that trick work is patience and faith in the process.

I’ll probably post the results of my plant-and-wait method in the near future.  What seeds have you planted lately?

Bruce Burns, the Negotiator!

Some of you may have been wondering why there’s been no new posts in a month’s time.  One of my pet peeves is “excuses”.  In all my years of having someone to account to – I’ve only heard 1 person not like this comment: “I have no excuse”.  So, I have no excuse.  However, I do have some good news.  I’ve been working with a woman who has a  stack of credentials in the world of producing.  By producing, I mean Television and the Big Screen.  She’s contacted me for some of my services and while we were getting to know one another’s businesses better, I discovered she had as much to offer me in the way of her knowledge and training as I did her.

I’d like to share my Personal Calibration.  If you remember I’ve mentioned calibration at least a few times.  It is the process by which you determine the impact of your Negotiation.  Calibration has both a short term benefit and a long term benefit.  Simply put, Calibration is the evaluation of what you are doing and MOST IMPORTANTLY what impact that is having on those around you.   One form of Calibration is to ask yourself Resourceful Questions or more specifically, ask yourself Resourceful Calibrating Questions.  You’ve just asked a new potential business client about his hair transplants.  What happened to his body language, did his tonality change?  Did you de-rail him or did he smile?  Is this something you ever want to bring up again or will this get him to talking no matter what?  Of course your questions will be based in real time evaluations.  The error in most peoples communications and Negotiations is that they simply don’t calibrate.  The short term benefit of calibration is to adapt your communication so that your Negotiating Compliment is inspired to continue sharing information and making communication transactions in your favor.  The long term benefit is that in each subsequent Communication you don’t have to start from scratch.  You can remember NOT to bring up the hair transplants or  TO bring up his new grand-daughter he can’t stop talking about.

So, this website is a form of my communication to you.  I have not calibrated as effectively regarding this website as I am able.  Part of my New Years’ Resolution was to increase my sensory acuity in regards to my personal and professional Calibrations.  I hope that you benefit from this.  The first distinction I had help making and I would like to share with you is this: Most people don’t want to become a Negotiator.  They may want some of the skills and benefits that a Negotiator could offer, but by-and-large few are able to maintain that frame about themselves.   If you are the empirical type, here’s the data: less than .83 % (that’s less than 1%)of the members who’ve signed up for my newsletter have signed up for my apprenticeship program.

Without an hour discussion about what I did in the month you’ve not heard from me – let me show you my bottom line.  After working with this woman (who I might give credit to later once she’s given me permission to do so)who lives in the world of producing, I discovered that what almost everyone is interested in and can “see” themselves “being” is a Communicator.  I’ve been working on an audio series called (tentatively) Life Communication Series.  I’ve been adapting my training for daily situations where people may have previously felt dis-empowered in terms of what they communicate and how they communicate.

Don’t get me wrong, Negotiating is still my passion and I will have much more material both free and for sale in the coming months on that as well.

So, lets see if I can get up something today for you as a gift for being so patient with my month long hiatus.

Thank you.

I’ll be Communicating with You soon or see You at the Negotiating Table!

Bruce  the Communicator and

the Negotiator!

I promised to talk about T-Shirts and Maui last night so let me cut to the chase. In a few hours I’ll be driving Suzanne and myself to the airport to fly to Hawaii. How does that make me feel – you ask? Probably not (you didn’t ask) but I’ll answer anyway. I’m scared, a bit nervous to say the least. I’ve not had a real vacation since 1989 and guess where it was at…

…Maui, Hawaii. All vacation-talk set aside, I wish to acknowledge that the main reason I’m going to Hawaii (besides having the time of my life) is to support two very significant people in my life: Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len with the Zero Limits II Seminar. I’m quite confident that Dr. Hew Len will talk about erasing memories and I hope he can forgive me but I intend to create a few not just for myself but for anyone who wants to go or even thought who wished they could go but couldn’t. Here’s how..

I’ll be shamelessly wearing one everyday I suspect and you’ll find me displaying my website on the back of mine with great Internet humility! I’ve got a great deal of packing to do so I’ll leave you the link so you can buy a few memories for yourself now:

ZERO LIMITS T-SHIRT PRODUCTS PAGE

The Zero Limits II seminar will be held here:

I think you get the idea. I’m very excited and if I wasn’t overwhelmed with last-minute getting-ready – I’ stay a while and share some Negotiating Tips. Perhaps tomorrow on a layover or something.

If you’d like to know how to Negotiate your way to Hawaii or have a story about Hawaii or Negotiations the please feel free to leave a comment. You can also write me directly at justask@yourownbestgood.com. For those of you who might want a closer look at training as a Negotiator please consider what a powerful experience my (currently) free Apprenticeship Program might be fore you!  I’ll see you in Maui!!

Bruce Burns, The Negotiator!