Greetings Negotiators, Daters and Couples!

Within the framework of Negotiations, the most consistently passionate Negotiations that I see in my work daily is that of Negotiating in a Relationship. My wife and I have been watching an amazing new show on HBO: Tell Me You Love Me. Suzanne and I are TV-Talkers - most people can’t stand watching TV with us. We were laughing the other day that we need two remotes so that either one of us can pause a show and discuss what we are thinking, feeling and wondering. The show is very provocative, very adult-thematic and had Suzanne and I wearing out the pause button discussing what we were seeing.

Couple in Therapy Lying to their therapist

(A couple on the show in therapy lying to their therapist)

Here is the jist of almost all intimate-relational negotiations: 1) Negotiator becomes tunnel visioned in their desired outcome, 2) Negotiator shapes huge passionate intent and blurts it to their Negotiating Complement (usually the love interest), 3) Negotiating Compliment doesn’t experience being involved in the blurted intent, can’t find personal connectivity to the blurt and neutralizes the Negotiation by erecting an emotional and psychological wall and in some cases a physical wall that looks like a door shutting in your face.

Most Romantic Negotiators loose hope and experience a huge drop in self-worth and self-esteem at this point and return to the lonely-I’ll-always-be-lonely frame that they tried to escape from in the first place. The Key to understanding what is happening is that Negotiating for love and companionship is almost always done out of a state of desperation. I’m not speaking for every couple or single-wanting-to-be-coupled person of course - I am speaking to all of you who experience a huge disconnect between what you want and desire and what you currently have in your life.

If I never share another post or thought with you about intimate relationships then know that my answer to this equation is my answer to everything - Ask Resourceful Questions! If you wanted to simplify and sum up what your job is in a relationship then I just told you: The most important duty in any form of relationship, especially an intimate one is to continue to ask the Negotiating Compliment (your significant other) questions. Pretend you don’t understand, ask questions that help you understand, reiterate your understanding (calibration) and evaluate creatively what you can do with your new found understanding.

The greatest gift you can ever give any intimate relationship is the gift of understanding! If you want to piss off your companion, then misunderstand them and you are there.

The question I get asked every day is How do I formulate my Resourceful Questions? This of course is a very resourceful question. Here is my answer:

Get real still. Get real focused on the subject of your Negotiation. Imagine all the dialog that is going to occur between you and the Negotiating Complement or anyone you are going to Ask Resourceful Questions of. Take every concept you wish to convey, every position you wish to demonstrate, every feeling, every insight, every doubt, everything and translate it into a question. That’s the formula, here’s an example …

[situation]:Single woman taking her car to the dealership for an undetermined repair. [thoughts of a single woman]“Last time I went to get the wiper fluid refilled, they replaced my radiator and charged me $2800.00! I think that place is a rip off! I wish I could just get them to fix what’s wrong with the car instead of turning loose steering into a major car drama. I’m going to go to another dealership if they try to rip me off again! I wish I had someone who understood cars to talk too or even go with me and ask all the questions I don’t even know to ask! ” [translation into Resourceful Questions]:1)How does a dealership stay in business when refilling the wiper fluid turns into a $2800 repair? Is it the policy of the dealership’s owner and management to find major things wrong with a car even when someone’s just coming in to get an oil change? Has this happened to other customers? Where would such an event be recorded if it had? If I called another dealership and explain my frustration to them, would they treat me better - would they want to earn my trust instead of burning it up like the initial dealership did? Next time I’m flirting with some fellow at a club (remember single woman)I wonder if I could remember to to ask him what he knows about cars? I wonder if I could even set up a first date as him riding with me to the dealership to at least listen to the “lines” the repair shop gives me? What would have to happen for me to get treated honestly at this dealership if I went back? Who would I have to speak to, what questions would I have to ask them to ensure that I wasn’t duped into paying for things I don’t need?

This is just the beginning of all the Resourceful Questions the single woman could ask not only herself but all the other players that might be involved. It takes practice to convert what you are thinking into questions. Once you develop a habit of thinking in questions instead of emotional blurts though, you suddenly can think of hundreds of questions to ask in any situation and I promise you that Asking more and more Resourceful Questions creates more and more choices and resources for you NOW!

What would you do next if you found someone who could teach you how to get exactly what you wanted just by opening your mouth and speaking? If you’ve found any of the material on today’s post interesting and would like to know more about Negotiations or any elements of Negotiating feel free to leave a comment or you can write me directly at justask@yourownbestgood.com.

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I’ll see you at the Negotiating Table!

Bruce Burns the Negotiator!