For most of my life understanding the active ingredient of any experience required me to EXPERIENCE it. This often meant that not only did I throw caution to the wind but I threw my whole life to the wind. I can think back on a distant memory of being 5 years old and walking up to my mother’s unattended iron and wondering what “If you touch that, Bruce it will burn you!” meant. A calm breath and a great scream later I knew EXACTLY what my mother meant. In the 37 years since that moment I don’t recall one time when I intentionally re-tested what my mother’s words really meant.

Let’s ask a question about my experience: “What was the value of my Mother’s words upon my future actions? Did she “reach” me? Could she have “reached” me?” Ok, enough about me for the moment - let zoom out and consider how people are or can be in the spectrum of operation that I define as accessing leverage vs. feeling management.

Feelings Management: a personal process of listening, thinking, speaking and taking action that revolves around changing one’s own personal feelings about a situation which often times negates or invalidates sound strategies and tactics in any given context. [more simply put]: It’s when something happens in your life involving other people and you react to the situation based on your feelings and not necessarily the smartest plan. A personal life management style where you make choices based on how doing (or not doing) saying (or not saying) something will make you and other people feel at the expense of being EFFECTIVE beyond the scope of peoples feelings.

Example: Mary has worked two 8-hour shifts back-to-back in the local coal mine and has to return to the mine the next morning to work two more. She has just enough time to get home, shower off the soot and get to bed in order to get 6 hours of sleep. Upon arriving home Mary discovers that her brother Led has set up his drum set in the garage because he is practicing for an audition that starts tomorrow at the same time that Mary has to be at work. Led is basically unemployed and sometimes comes over to Mary’s house to use the garage as a studio. The feelings management dialog between brother and sister is as follows: Led: “Hey Mary! I’ve got a real audition tomorrow morning! Mary: “That’s really wonderful, Led!” Led: “I’m only going to practice until Midnight then I need to take down my drumset, pack it up and be ready for my audition in the morning. Can you give me a ride to the audition - it’s only about an hour out of the way from the mines? Mary: “Led, I’m very proud of you - of course I can give you a ride. I was giong to leave at 7am but since I have to drop you off first - we’ll leave at 5am so that I have enough time to get you to your audition and get to work by 8am.” Mary trudges off to the shower and cries for 10 minutes as the war between “loving her brother” and “loving herself” wages on inside of her. She gets to work the next day after having slept from 2am (when her brother was done packing) to 4am(when she had to get up and get ready for work to leave by 5am) and pulls another 16 hour shift.

Acessing Leverage: A process by which we find the reasons within ourselves and others to inspire our own effective action as well as the actions of others most consistently. [more simply put]A way to communicate to yourself and others that allows you to experience your own best good as much as humanly possible. A way to inspire people to connect with you in the most resourceful way possible.

Example: (see the first part of the above example about Mary having to pull doubles and lets pick up where she arrives home to find her brother practicing his drums) Led: “Hey Mary! I’ve got a real audition tomorrow morning! Mary: “Congratulations Led! What are all these drums doing set up here in my garage?” (note: Mary is now accessing information so that she might access leverage soon by asking resourceful questions) Led: Well I’m practicing for my audition of course! Mary: “Ahh - that’s what I thought you were doing? Is your cell phone broken?” Led: “No, why?” Mary: “Well I don’t remember a phone call from you asking me if it was alright to come over and setup your drums - so I thought it might be that someone stole your phone or it’s broken.” Led: “You always let me practice my drums in your garage.” Mary: Do you happen to know what my plans are tomorrow?” Led: “Um…I’m sorry…I don’t.” Mary: “How long would it take you to tear down your drum set and pack it up? Led: Well…about 30 minutes if I hurry - how come you are asking me all these questions? (note: The person that asks the questions in a conversation controls the direction of where that conversation can go.) Mary: “That’s a great question, Led - do you have a ride yet to the Audition?” Led: “Well I was going to …ask you..if you could give me a ride.” Mary: “Where you going to ask me that before or after you asked if you could set up your drums here in my garage? Led, should we call someone now to come help you pack your drums up or can you have them packed and loaded in your van by the time I get out of my shower? (note:By offering your Negotiating Complement two choices - whereby either decision they make is a resourceful choice for you - you create a double bind.) Led: “I can pack them myself. Mary…what about the ride?” Mary: “If you can drop me off at 8am for my work - you can barrow my car afterwards as long as you come get me 16 hours later. Of course that will make you two hours late for your own appointment.” (note: “Offering people things they don’t want or need is a great way to inspire them to discover “No” on their own - they will close themselves.) Led: “If I’m gone by the time you get out of the Shower then…well wish me luck for tomorrow’s audition now if you would” Mary: “Good luck, Led.”

Summary: In the first scenario Led accesses studio time at Mary’s house until the wee hours and a cheaufer to his audition. In short - he makes Mary responsible for his success or failure. She probably makes herself responsible as well. This leads to Mary collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion the next day at the mines. Led being her “Next of Kin” is notified and has to cancel his audition because of “family problems”. He drives two hours to the mines to take Mary home.

In the second scenario Led finds a groupie of one of his former bands that still worships his music to provide him with a makeshift studio and a ride the next morning to the audition. The producers are impressed by Led’s skill of the drum but it’s the groupie that catches their eye. They are so impressed that he still has groupie following him around even though he’s not in any band that they give him the contract on the spot. A month later a limo picks up Mary one Friday evening and takes her to Led’s first concert.

The Negotiating Moral of the Stories: Often times doing what is for your own best good is exactly what you need to do for the good of others as well. When Mary tried to manage her feelings of guilt and Led’s feelings of frustration about practicing and a ride to the audition - the result was a depletion of resources. When Mary allowed Led the opportunity to take 100 percent responsibility for his experience, he not only survived but he Thrived. She was able to continue appreciating his career path and his creative talents while giving herself the time and energy to manage her own life. Mary’s greatest leverage in this scneario was her desire to give to herself first what she required before giving to other people what they might require of her. She negotiated to her own best good and as a consequence so did Led.

If you enjoyed the scenario learning from above and would like to see more of this type of information please leave a comment or send me an email at justask@yourownbestgood.com Are you a feeling manager? Do you know others that are?

Bruce Burns the Negotiator