The Negotiators Secrets

For most of my life understanding the active ingredient of any experience required me to EXPERIENCE it. This often meant that not only did I throw caution to the wind but I threw my whole life to the wind. I can think back on a distant memory of being 5 years old and walking up to my mother’s unattended iron and wondering what “If you touch that, Bruce it will burn you!” meant. A calm breath and a great scream later I knew EXACTLY what my mother meant. In the 37 years since that moment I don’t recall one time when I intentionally re-tested what my mother’s words really meant.

Let’s ask a question about my experience: “What was the value of my Mother’s words upon my future actions? Did she “reach” me? Could she have “reached” me?” Ok, enough about me for the moment - let zoom out and consider how people are or can be in the spectrum of operation that I define as accessing leverage vs. feeling management.

Feelings Management: a personal process of listening, thinking, speaking and taking action that revolves around changing one’s own personal feelings about a situation which often times negates or invalidates sound strategies and tactics in any given context. [more simply put]: It’s when something happens in your life involving other people and you react to the situation based on your feelings and not necessarily the smartest plan. A personal life management style where you make choices based on how doing (or not doing) saying (or not saying) something will make you and other people feel at the expense of being EFFECTIVE beyond the scope of peoples feelings.

Example: Mary has worked two 8-hour shifts back-to-back in the local coal mine and has to return to the mine the next morning to work two more. She has just enough time to get home, shower off the soot and get to bed in order to get 6 hours of sleep. Upon arriving home Mary discovers that her brother Led has set up his drum set in the garage because he is practicing for an audition that starts tomorrow at the same time that Mary has to be at work. Led is basically unemployed and sometimes comes over to Mary’s house to use the garage as a studio. The feelings management dialog between brother and sister is as follows: Led: “Hey Mary! I’ve got a real audition tomorrow morning! Mary: “That’s really wonderful, Led!” Led: “I’m only going to practice until Midnight then I need to take down my drumset, pack it up and be ready for my audition in the morning. Can you give me a ride to the audition - it’s only about an hour out of the way from the mines? Mary: “Led, I’m very proud of you - of course I can give you a ride. I was giong to leave at 7am but since I have to drop you off first - we’ll leave at 5am so that I have enough time to get you to your audition and get to work by 8am.” Mary trudges off to the shower and cries for 10 minutes as the war between “loving her brother” and “loving herself” wages on inside of her. She gets to work the next day after having slept from 2am (when her brother was done packing) to 4am(when she had to get up and get ready for work to leave by 5am) and pulls another 16 hour shift.

Acessing Leverage: A process by which we find the reasons within ourselves and others to inspire our own effective action as well as the actions of others most consistently. [more simply put]A way to communicate to yourself and others that allows you to experience your own best good as much as humanly possible. A way to inspire people to connect with you in the most resourceful way possible.

Example: (see the first part of the above example about Mary having to pull doubles and lets pick up where she arrives home to find her brother practicing his drums) Led: “Hey Mary! I’ve got a real audition tomorrow morning! Mary: “Congratulations Led! What are all these drums doing set up here in my garage?” (note: Mary is now accessing information so that she might access leverage soon by asking resourceful questions) Led: Well I’m practicing for my audition of course! Mary: “Ahh - that’s what I thought you were doing? Is your cell phone broken?” Led: “No, why?” Mary: “Well I don’t remember a phone call from you asking me if it was alright to come over and setup your drums - so I thought it might be that someone stole your phone or it’s broken.” Led: “You always let me practice my drums in your garage.” Mary: Do you happen to know what my plans are tomorrow?” Led: “Um…I’m sorry…I don’t.” Mary: “How long would it take you to tear down your drum set and pack it up? Led: Well…about 30 minutes if I hurry - how come you are asking me all these questions? (note: The person that asks the questions in a conversation controls the direction of where that conversation can go.) Mary: “That’s a great question, Led - do you have a ride yet to the Audition?” Led: “Well I was going to …ask you..if you could give me a ride.” Mary: “Where you going to ask me that before or after you asked if you could set up your drums here in my garage? Led, should we call someone now to come help you pack your drums up or can you have them packed and loaded in your van by the time I get out of my shower? (note:By offering your Negotiating Complement two choices - whereby either decision they make is a resourceful choice for you - you create a double bind.) Led: “I can pack them myself. Mary…what about the ride?” Mary: “If you can drop me off at 8am for my work - you can barrow my car afterwards as long as you come get me 16 hours later. Of course that will make you two hours late for your own appointment.” (note: “Offering people things they don’t want or need is a great way to inspire them to discover “No” on their own - they will close themselves.) Led: “If I’m gone by the time you get out of the Shower then…well wish me luck for tomorrow’s audition now if you would” Mary: “Good luck, Led.”

Summary: In the first scenario Led accesses studio time at Mary’s house until the wee hours and a cheaufer to his audition. In short - he makes Mary responsible for his success or failure. She probably makes herself responsible as well. This leads to Mary collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion the next day at the mines. Led being her “Next of Kin” is notified and has to cancel his audition because of “family problems”. He drives two hours to the mines to take Mary home.

In the second scenario Led finds a groupie of one of his former bands that still worships his music to provide him with a makeshift studio and a ride the next morning to the audition. The producers are impressed by Led’s skill of the drum but it’s the groupie that catches their eye. They are so impressed that he still has groupie following him around even though he’s not in any band that they give him the contract on the spot. A month later a limo picks up Mary one Friday evening and takes her to Led’s first concert.

The Negotiating Moral of the Stories: Often times doing what is for your own best good is exactly what you need to do for the good of others as well. When Mary tried to manage her feelings of guilt and Led’s feelings of frustration about practicing and a ride to the audition - the result was a depletion of resources. When Mary allowed Led the opportunity to take 100 percent responsibility for his experience, he not only survived but he Thrived. She was able to continue appreciating his career path and his creative talents while giving herself the time and energy to manage her own life. Mary’s greatest leverage in this scneario was her desire to give to herself first what she required before giving to other people what they might require of her. She negotiated to her own best good and as a consequence so did Led.

If you enjoyed the scenario learning from above and would like to see more of this type of information please leave a comment or send me an email at justask@yourownbestgood.com Are you a feeling manager? Do you know others that are?

Bruce Burns the Negotiator

Greetings Negotiators!

I sit with 40-something year old sore muscles thinking about the word “stodgy” and how it’s applied to me for quite some time. Last night my adopted niece, Corrie celebrated her 15th birthday party in grand style. Her (my) immediate family rented a party boat for her and all of her friends and we cruised north up the Colorado River along a stretch of the river known as Lake Austin.

There were teens to pick up, waiver forms to sign for the youth, agreements to sign by the adults, presents and food to load aboard the party-boat and so on. I remember thinking my stodgy thoughts - “Gawd all this work just for a birthday” and “Why can’t we just buy a cake, sing the song and blow out the candles?” (that’s an example of an unresourceful question). I even asked my wife “Shouldn’t we be spending this money on practical things like a computer or a new desk or some new clothes?” She just gave me that “you’re a he-tard” look and kept preparing for the party.

Well lo and behold - I gathered up the necessary man-courage to help organize this teen river-ride and boarded near sundown. I noticed once I got there that I was…enjoying myself. The Co-Captains of the boat were a married couple who had been doing this for 14 years. I developed a quick comfortable rapport with them and as the time to launch move toward the here-and-now I was having a really good time.

We launched and I saw these amazing mansions on the left bank high atop a cliff (which I video taped). The sun was setting and I felt like I was in some other-worldly heaven. The boat finally weighed anchor somewhere along the river and the teens (and me) all went swiming and diving off the 2nd floor deck of the boat. There was music and food and even enough adults for some adult conversation. After exhausting myself in the river’s current (swimming) I sat there air drying off as the last of the sun vanished from the horizon thinking: “God this is a great life - how peaceful and beautiful it is here.” Then I was inspired “I want a boat!”

I had grown up on boats as a youth myself and I’m certainly a water baby. The question I’ve asked myself this morning and I’ll ask you as well is this: “What are you willing to choose, to plan, to do in order to live an inspired life? What new experience will you let yourself have each day in order to experience a life driven by and defined by INSPIRATION?”

“What does this have to do with negotiation? ” you might ask? We are always negotiating toward or away from something. The NLP guideline states that “We will move away from pain and toward pleasure. And we will move away from pain before we move toward pleasure.” Inspiration is a resource. It’s difficult to talk about or even think about a resource that you seldom experience. It’s like a made up word that people just use. I was truly inspired last night and I made a decision today to continue to access that resource daily.

To answer your question - I was negotiating with myself. I was negotiating with the universe for inspiration. I didn’t mean to negotiate for that in the time before the boat-experience - I kept telling myself “I’m doing this for Corrie”, but when I got there I was open and willing to experience something new AND I DID!

If you’ve been inspired lately - please share how you got there, what you experienced and what you’ve decided to do since the experience. What does being inspired mean to you?

Bruce Burns the Negotiator!

Greetings Negotiators!

By signing up you can now receive the new Negotiator’s Primer. The Primer is a e-reference in pdf format that gets you started on the road to more effective Negotiations! If you want to make your words count, double, triple or even quadruple the resources you access on a daily basis FROM ANY RELATIONSHIP then the Negotiator’s Primer is a must read. There’s no fluff in this e-reference just a good starting point for people who want to negotiate but don’t know where to start!

Sign up today for a membership to my newsletter and periodic mailings to find out how you can get your own primer!

Bruce Burns the Negotiator!

The most important step in any negotiation is to follow the advice of the suicide teacher - Socrates. “Know Thyself“. In order for you to give something to someone else - you must give it to yourself first. I have emphasized the value of The Art of Asking Resourceful Questions. If you are going to ask your negotiating complement resourceful questions then you must first ask those questions to yourself. You must know the answers even if you do not divulge the information.

The advantage that “knowing thyself” brings to the Negotiator is that few negotiators ever explore their own mind that completely. When you are facing your negotiating complement it will be the question that you ask him that he has not yet asked himself that will give you “wiggle room”. Unasked questions cause us to stumble. They will cause the Negotiating Complement to stumble as well. Your job at that point is to gracefully help the Negotiating Complement back to his feet as you change your own position toward fulfillment plus.

The Invisible Side of a negotiation is the unspoken minimums, maximums and the “ideal” outcome on the part of the Negotiating Complement. Many people in a negotiating situation don’t think once of the invisible side of Negotiations. They barter and banter, argue and agree only about what is seen or heard.

One technique that is usually above the beginner is called the double bind. The double bind is simply a Negotiating Proposition that has a multiple choice (Negotiating Complement’s choice) design. Lets say that you have silver, gold and platinum to transact with, but you do not wish to tap into your platinum supply. You offer your Negotiating Complement the multiple choice of silver or gold.

The error on the Negotiating Complement’s part at this point would be that he assumes that silver and gold are the full spectrum of available resources. In the Western world from the earliest school age on - we are trained to make multiple choices. We pride ourselves on making the “best” choice. The moral of the double bind is to always ask about what resources aren’t being offered.

How many times have you studied a menu only to see someone served something not on the menu at a restaurant? Good training for the “counter” to the double bind would be to ALWAYS ask for things not on the menu when you go out to eat.

If you have enjoyed this post would you be kind enough to leave a comment or email me a question justask@yourownbestgood.com? What would happen if you could perform the double bind tomorrow at work or perhaps somewhere significant in your personal life?

Bruce Burns the Negotiator!